And you thought the Catholics had a Problem...

This last week The Church was handed on a silver platter a Spiritual Crisis of Simply Enormous Proportions. Poor Brother Saturnillus is still all a-quiver. (Although that might only be an artifact of all his wassailing.)

We have been approached by a small "m" member of The Congregation about a call to ministry. The thing is, she's one of (shhh!!!) Them - a practicing heterosexual! (That's what "small 'm' member" means, btw. We're the BIG "m", they're the SMALL "m".)

OH, THE HUMANITY!!!

We never thought we'd ever understand how the heterosexual exclusivists in the Vatican feel! Mind you, our situation isn't nearly as dire as theirs. After all, without Us their entire organization would come crashing to its knees. As it, ahem, were. We can actually get along quite nicely without heterosexual clergy. And yet. . .

We do not question the sincerity of our member's call to ministry. We've known her for years and she's more a gay man than most of the gay men we know! And that's saying something. But can one of Them serve Us as a real minister? Troubling, troubling. . .

Sister Antiphilia suggests we adopt an earlier Vatican model. Namely, that the member in question lock up her primal urges in an iron-clad celibacy, publicly claim to be One of Us and equally as publicly castigate her fellow heterosexuals for their deeply sinful natures. An interesting suggestion that worked with hypocritical success for some centuries, but as we have mentioned earlier, we've known the member for years and celibacy is simply not a possibility in her case. SERIOUSLY NOT A POSSIBILITY. And as for claiming to be One of Us, too many people know she ain't. SERIOUSLY AIN'T.

Brother Saturnillus flat out says no. "No matter how Spiritually Fabulous a person is," he says, "if they have the het gene they are simply not capable of ministering in the name of the Church and no reparative therapy is possible."

The relentlessly academic Dr. Hall, Rector and President of the College of Simple Divinity, carefully dissected the situation in great and learned detail. Sadly, her dissection was so thorough and academically rigorous, most of us had trouble following it and one by one nodded off. We noted a few minutes ago that, although everyone left the room hours ago, she is still carrying on about the implications of Boswell's controversial interpretations regarding Adelphopoiesis. Which, although fascinating in its own right, doesn't seem to be all that pertinent to the question before us.

In the end, we have determined, in one of those Official Ex-Cathedra Decision things to appoint our dear Brother Oral Eighnell, our Chief of Spiritual Protocology, to study the problem and offer us a workable solution. In the meantime, AAAAIIIEEE!!!!!