A young friend of ours claims, officially, to be a bit of a girl-trap. With a dubious swagger and an overloud voice, he affects to doubt that The Church could have any pertinent advice for him and those like him.
Not true, my son! We have no end of helpful hints for hot little hetties.
Unfortunately, owing to all the Righteous Indignation for and against the so-called "ex-gay" movement, The World (and more to the point Particularly Interested Parties of our acquaintance) have not yet learned that there is also an "ex-straight" movement, too. Yes, Virginia, with the proper spiritual guidance, heterosexuals need no longer be burdened with the shame and guilt concomitant with their naff little lifestyle. Although we personally have never had any interest whatsoever in "my lady's needlecase" - we understand that with a little (as it were) elbow grease he COULD overcome his sordid craving and develop a proper fascination for a well-sprouted arbor vitae.
Sadly most of the experts in this delightful form of reparative therapy, once they leave prison and/or the navy, revert to earlier hopelessly unimaginative habits. Which is why, BTW, we have both homosexuals and practicing homosexuals. Clearly practice does not always make perfect. Even so, embarking on such a therapeutic adventure can allow one to pass the time quite pleasantly for all concerned and along the way the boy may pick up useful tidbits about hair product and which of those little forks is for fish and which for oysters.
So, young friend, even if the reboot doesn't take and you still crave a bit of the split fig, there springs Hope. No, you might not achieve a lasting spiritual fabulousity - your loss - but you might, metrosexually speaking, pass as one of us long enough for some misguided young thing to think she was "saving" you for her sex.
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