St. Gorgonia, The Diamond of Her Sex

Today, 9 December, is the feast day of the much beloved St. Gorgonia of Pisidia.

Not once, but TWICE, she was miraculously cured of frightful medical problems, and has, consequently, been venerated for centuries as the patron (matron?) saint of those afflicted with serious illnesses.

CURE THE FIRST

After having been trampled by mules (the nasty smelly animals, not the nasty smelly shoes), her bones and internal organs were found to be horribly crushed. And yet, the blessed Gorgonia bravely refused a doctor's help. You see, she was an extremely modest woman and simply could not bring herself to suffer the gross indecencies concomitant with being seen by a doctor (all of whom, in those days, were nasty smelly and, of course, very male).

Instead she prayed. Hard. And was totally cured!

CURE THE SECOND

Suffering from headache, fever, paralysis and sporadic coma, she prayerfully anointed herself with a mixture of bread, wine and tears. Once again, no nasty smelly male doctor was involved. And once again she was cured.

How did she manage this cure? Well, the bread and wine were, of course, not really bread and wine - they had been transubstantiated into the flesh and blood of Christ. As for the tears, yes, they were her own, but they had been shed while her head had been placed on the altar.

THE CURE GOES FORTH

We understand she has inspired a movement among moderate Democrats to attach an amendment to - and in so doing, hopefully, ameliorate the ill effects of - their godlessly socialist witch-doctory pro-abortion death-panel-abristle so-called healthcare reform bill.

We refer, of course, to The Gorgonian HealthCure Initiative.