Christmas is coming and that means having to deal with family. Dealing with family inevitably leads to having to deal with h-e-t-e-r-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-s. Face to face.
Let's be honest, we all know we have such depraved folks lurking in the dark corners of the family closet. Yes, it's terribly embarrassing and occasionally sick-making imagining what they do with each other in the (we hope!) dark of the night - yet are their peccadillos really any of our business, highly spiritual and fabulous creatures that we are?
No. No, it is not any of our business. Not if they keep their vicious perversities to themselves. Sadly, though, there are very, very few of them who are properly ashamed of themselves - ashamed enough, that is, to maintain a decorous news blackout with regard to their repulsive activities. And now it's Christmas. Oh, dear, oh, dear! Christmas is one of - if not THE WORST - times of the year for having unabashed h-e-t-e-r-o-s-e-x-u-a-l-i-t-y shoved brazenly in our faces - and into the innocent faces of our children and our bichons frisés. Oh, the Humanity!
Why is this?
The simple answer is that these poor benighted souls are so desperate for acceptance they will stop at nothing in their hideous crusade to force people to agree with them. Yes, theirs is almost an evangelical zeal in pushing their terrifyingly unhealthy lifestyle where it is simply not wanted.
So what should we do to counter their evil influence? How do we keep them from hijacking our festivities for their nefarious ends? Here are a few time-tested strategies:
- Glare icily at them if they mention anything with regard to their lifestyle, all while maintaining carefully pursed lips.
- Do not engage with them in a discussion of their latest so-called romantic entanglements. It only encourages them.
- Secretly slip them devastating verses from Oscar Wilde and/or Urvashi Vaid (as appropriate).
- Tell them you love them unconditionally. This is the best strategy. It helps them feel guilty for the hateful way they treat us.
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